Choosing the right Chaos lord for you- part 2 (Slaanesh)

Many, many years ago, when there were only two chaos lords, and a hint of a third and fourth coming in many moons, came what I believe was Games Workshops first unofficial codex. It was called The Realm Of Chaos: Slaves To Darkness, and it was a book the size of the regular rulebook. In it were the rules for playing a chaos force for Warhammer and Warhammer 40k. It was the most unbelievably complex, overbearing, cheating system that ever existed. In fact, it was so unfair that the only army that could fight against Chaos were Eldar. This was back when Swooping Hawks dropped Melta Bombs on you three at a time, Farseers were invulnerable to damage of any kind for 1-6 turns, and the GW staff must have been smoking crack.

Demon weapons were 900 points apiece! But you never paid for that because you could get them on this table called "Gifts of Chaos" where one roll cost 25 points, and you could keep rolling until you either became a demon prince, a chaos spawn, or you got your demon weapon. It was a beautiful thing.

Need I also mention that, back then, there weren't just Chaos Marines, but Chaos everything. Chaos Tyranids, Chaos Squats, Chaos Ogryn, Chaos Orks. And you could mix and match. A Chaos Champion with 5 chaos Eldar, a Chaos Zoat, and 8 Chaos Orks. Yes, it was a strange time for us all.

This was pretty much Rogue Trader era, and if you've talked to anyone who played back then, you probably already know that hand to hand was the most god awful, useless, pointless way to kill your enemy. When you charged, they could run, leaving you to be fired upon, often by people just behind them throwing grenades. It didn't get much better in second edition either.

So, with that in mind--there being only two chaos powers Slaanesh and Khorne and hand to hand was pointless--there was a time when it made sense to play Slaanesh. That time has passed.

I mean there frickin' pink...and you thought I was kidding about the whole smoking crack thing.

I honestly have no idea why anyone would play an "all Slaanesh" force. None. Their demons are cheap I suppose. Daemonettes aren't bad, per se. They're not exactly great, but they aren't horrible, and you save some points so that you can buy more stuff for your aspiring champions like say...the needle of desire.

I'm sorry, I just can't do this with a straight face. Let's break this down. By dedicating to Slaanesh, your enemies get a -1 to their initiative. Other chaos lords give their followers a +1 to Wounds or +1 to Toughness. Slaanesh: -1 to Initiative. That's lame.

Oh but wait, there's more. You get to trade in your weapons for electric guitars! Sadly, Slaanesh has the coolest looking chaos miniature around: the Noise Marine with the guitar. It's been around for awhile, and I have a feeling it was the product of someone at GW screwing around with the casting molds. Whoever its inventer, they showed it to a fellow GW worker and the phrase, "that's cool, what army should it be for," was utterred, and then everyone agreed that since Slaanesh sucked, they might as well have the coolest looking miniature. The Doom Siren, on the other hand, just looks goofy. By the way, the sonic blaster is a pretty good weapon. Were it a straight trade for the bolter, it might have been worth the points, but in that you have to put out points on top of the mark of Slaanesh, it's just not worth it. Compare it to a plasma gun and you'll see what I mean. The melta gun/doom siren swap, on the other hand, is simply pointless all around. The melta gun is the better weapon. Thge same goes for the reaper autocannon/blastmaster switch. I am no fan of the autocannon, by the way, but can't we do a little better than AP 4 on the huge weapon of the army?

Upgrading aspiring champions (of which you will have many if you are playing Slaanesh) is best done through the regular options. The additional Slaanesh "gifts" are pretty useless. The needle of desire never stops an armor save. The lash of torment has been rendered useless by the new rules. Aura of Aquiessence is pretty much dangerous. Of the two gifts that are worthwhile (rapturous standard and combat drugs), one is a once per battle gift that you could have had the entire battle long if you'd played Khorne and the other is a Dark Eldar thing. Yeah, it's nice, but why aren't you playing Dark Eldar?

I'm pretty sure that since the time of Rogue Trader, GW has come to regret Slaanesh. I mean, how does the lord of pleasure go to war? Look at the miniature line. There is no Lucius the Eternal and the Fiends have disapeared from the range. Yes, that's right; Slaanesh used to have their own hunting demons, but alas no more. They have demons for Chaos undivided, but none for Slaanesh. Pity.

What they do have, though, is a wide range of miniatures that hold over from the old "Slaves to Darkness" days, and these are my lone temptation to make an Emperors Children army. Chaos guys who look like Daemonettes, or fiends, or mounts, or keepers. These were common enough back in the day, which is why there are also so many mini's with the heads of bloodletters.

But if I am tempted, let me tell you what I am willing to do to sate my meager thirst for a Slaanesh army. Take the only cool minis that the army has (the noise marines) and play them as a squad in my chaos undivided army and keep a pack of daemonettes at ready to get through my troop requirements if need be. Other than that... Emperor's Children army? Just say no to combat drugs.