How to be an A-hole guard player, aka how to win with guard

Okay, I don't play guard generally, and when I do, they have grey knight auxillaries...or is it the other way. Grey knights have weird auxillary rules. But I digress...

There are lots of ways to win with IG. I'm not going to go into all of them here, and whatever your particular way is, don't worry, I'm not going to step on your toes. My goal here is to suggest a style of play, rather than actual game actions, that will insure an increase in the number of guard victories. The advice I am about to give has really nothing to do with what you do when you put your miniatures down on the table or even which miniatures you should put down on the table. It involves something else entirely.

You see, most games are played by two players who basically know what the other person is going to pull out of their bag, so to speak. You play Tyranids, there is going to be some hand to hand and you are going to have to deal with that. Necron will be hard to kill. Tau have long range. Eldar will have monstrous creatures and the ability to pick out your squad leaders with mind war. I mean, they're playing army X and army X does thing Y. They may do other things, but you basically know what those other things are.

Okay, guard are not like that. I know what you're saying. You think I'm high. I am not.

I know that guard are essentially the quintessential shooty army. Yes. And I know that most attepts to make them hand to hand do not work. Power fists with 6 strength: kind of funny. That's not what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is that a guard army really has three choices of what it will look like and those choices are so dramatically different as to keep the enemy from ever knowing what they're going up against. The first choice is the horde. Conscripts and commissars. The horde is a merciless flesh pool that cannot simply be shot. Las cannons are no good against the horde. Hand to hand is difficult because of thirty man squads. If the enemy is prepared for the horde, they are generally not that hard to beat. But that's the point, will they be ready? Do they know that this is the army you will be bringing out, because last time you played...

The armored fist. Yes, the tank heavy guard army. Heavy bolters are no use. You need las-cannons and plenty of them. Monstrous creatures only have so many wounds and two Leman Russes (or three by golly) have a LOT of weapons.

And of couse, the mixed bag, which is generally not really that mixed. You lose the conscripts, you keep a tank or two. Lot's of fire power. Let's call this the generic guard army which is easilly beaten by solid hand to hand troops, but not easilly beaten by anything else.

Now look, each of these three "types" of armies has its own weakness which it doesn't share with the other types of armies. If you play the same army week after week, you aren't playing your guard effectively. Anyone who has ever had to fight the tank army and ran out of las-cannons will know exactly what I mean. Anyone who has ever had to face the horde having not brought along enough plasma guns and heavy bolters will testify.

The point here is that you switch this up. Play a different variation of this army all the time. Never play it the same twice. Your opponent will complain. They will say, "I should get fair warning that you'll only be playing tanks," but this is part of the joy of the guard. They should sometimes win just by showing up.